Script: Episode One

Okay, done with that. Back to the usual nonsense.

Here is the script from Episode One, in case anyone’s interested.

Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there. I was busy putting on my Tanuki ears. 

(Title Card) Ep. 1: Appearance and Attitude 

Hey there. As I said last week, this is an internet thingy that will teach you some of the tricks of those internet followings out there, in the hopes to get one of your own. Where to go from there? I don’t know … then people will be at your command, and it’s not my business what you tell them to do.

Well, anyhow. The first and most basic step of getting attention is to have some sort of signature look or outfit. I mean, almost everyone out there with a following has that appeal. Lady Gaga likes to wear her lunch, Daniel Tosh has those v-necks and that haircut. Hell, even Mister Rogers has that sweater-and-sneakers getup he wears every episode. And who doesn’t love Mister Rogers? No one. That’s who. Don’t be a hater.

Even if your content is terrible, sometimes you can draw attention with your looks. Maybe you’re not funny, but you’re wearing this weird vintage coonskin cap, and it looks great. Everyone will be so distracted by how great/awesome/bizarre-o you look that they’ll recognize your next video anyhow. It’s kind of like that movie, Wild Wild West. Yeah, the script was awful, but did you SEE those costumes? No? Am I too old or something?

Anyhow. Today, I will try to get my own signature look. Now, probably no one noticed last week because I own such a small camera and live in a tiny tiny room, but I was wearing a plaid dress. If I had a larger camera, I might try for something that would cover my whole body; but more likely, I’m going to go for something from the neck up. Also, since I am but a poor student, I refuse to buy anything new. Shall we?

(montage. Tanuki ears, baseball cap, fedora, mustache finger, giant earrings, ridiculous makeup, goth makeup, bandana, hat I made, stuffed animal on head, glasses, studded collar, scarf.)

Alright. I think I’m gonna go with this hat. Mostly because I made it, which means no one else has it. Also, it’s a bright color, which will stand out against my black-of-night hair. From now on, I will wear this every episode. Let’s see what my roommate thinks!

(Leyat) Hey, Rachel, you look awesome!

It’s already working!

While this works for me because the camera loves me, not everyone wants to be seen. What if you’re just doing a voice-over, or writing something, or … um … hiding in a box? (Shot of someone in a box) Yeah, like that guy.

Well that’s easy. Be funny!

Yes, it is that easy! How? Really? You don’t know how to be funny? What the hell is wrong with you, why would anyone ever follow you?

(sigh.) Fine. I will go over some basics of being funny.

1. Make fun of other people, especially your audience. Downplaying other people makes you seem better by comparison. It’s how Stephen Colbert does it. And everyone loves Stephen. You know how many marriage proposals that guy gets a day?!
2. Point out things in everyday life that are kind of dumb. Like, what’s up with hot dogs coming in packs of ten while rolls come in packs of eight? Why do the English not use the English Measurement system? It’s taking a leaf from Jerry Seinfeld’s book. Don’t tell me you didn’t watch Seinfeld, you liar. Everyone loved Kramer until he started telling racist jokes. That reminds me
3. Don’t be racist, unless you mean to be. Um. I mean … unless that’s your thing. Telling racist jokes. Like, that’s your draw. But …come on, be tasteful. Ooh. That leads me to
4. Be tasteful! No dead baby jokes … no matter how funny … okay. Dead baby jokes are fine. Just tasteful ones.
5. Put in tons of pop culture references, even ones from other internet followings. That way, you seem hip and stylish and super funny, even if people have seen these things already many, many times. It’s Super Special Awesome!
6. A great way to get some laughs is to be over-the-top outrageous, almost crossing the line into insanity. But be careful with this one, because you might be mistaken for an actual crazy person. But if you don’t care then neither do I!

On a last note, if you’re going verbal, you might want to think about a cachphrase. Something like …”Believe in me who believes in you” or “so long and thanks for all the fish.” But it really depends on what your theme is. For instance … my theme is … meta. So maybe I’ll go with … uh … ooh, I know!

(cut off by outro).

Jinkies!

I’m a doctor, dammit, not an internet phenomenon!

May the force be with you.

We’re gonna need a bigger camera.

Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a shit.

I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!

Screw the rules, I have a green hat!